The Weakness of Appearing Strong

‘The harder they come, the harder they fall.‘

I never thought about that phrase much when singing Jimmy Cliff around the house with my mum. Sometime between the stroke and starting to write my memoir, the phrase suddenly came back to me and made sense in a new way. 

The more plates you spin, be that an impressive show while it lasts, the louder the crash when the plates inevitably fall. The ‘fall’ is quite literally bigger, louder and more dramatic.

That’s what irks me so much: the inevitability of the ‘failure’ to keep up with everything.

Somewhere deep down I really do think I can do it all. I don’t want to need anyone else’s help. I don’t want a village. I don’t want to need a partner or a family. That is what the quiet voice in my head whispers. Maybe you can relate?

That quiet voice, I’ve come to believe, is often born from a place of desperation. Out of necessity.

If you deprive your body of food regularly, eventually the feeling of hunger lessens. Your brain convinces you: “it’s okay that we don’t have the resources we need. We ‘didn’t need them anyway!’. 

It’s self-preservation. It’s an incredible thing that our brain can do, but also incredibly difficult to pick apart and make sense of. It’s what being ‘capable’ can be warped into.

But here’s the true cost to being so ‘capable’ that you need no one:

• People stop offering help because you reject the help (or look like you don’t need it).

• You stop accepting help even when it is offered, because your scared to break the illusion of being strong

This week, try saying what you need.

If you find you are struggling with being real with people and saying ‘no’, when you mean it - check out my free scriptbook. It’s got some good examples of ways to set boundaries in common situations, without having to think too hard about how to say it.

Voice your needs in a situation where you wouldn't dare. Maybe you say that you don’t feel able to take on that extra project at work. Maybe you accept someone’s offer to make dinner.

Asking for help doesn’t make you incapable.

Needing isn’t a weakness.

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